Heaven Help Me

I know I've heard it before; we shouldn't try to turn country songs into songs for God. This song is absolutely tremendous though. Just listen to it - it's in my play list. I don't believe it can be said any better. How many of us haven't been confronted with temptation and that temptation usually comes from a need for comfort of some type. It never resolves our problem though only leaves us with more questions and prayers to be prayed. We have all hurt the ones who love us the most and absolutely refused to admit that we did anything wrong but in the end that shame always wins out in one way or another. All we can ever do is ask for help from God. Have you ever read the entire Serenity prayer? It follows the same line of thought. All that we can do is all that we can, the rest is up to God. And as the song says – Faith above all else!!!!

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

"Heaven Help Me"
I'm no stranger to temptation
I have found some comfort there
But it only leaves me with questions
Never answers, only prayers
I've been as high as angels fly and I've fallen straight to hell
Heaven help me
Heaven help me
'Cause I can't help myself
I have wounded those who love me
And refused to take the blame
I have hidden all my demons
But I cannot hide my shame
I've forgotten who I am
But I know you know me well
Heaven help me
Heaven help me
'Cause I can't help myself
Give me wisdom, give me strength
Give me faith above all else
Heaven help me
Heaven help me
'Cause I can't help myself
Heaven help me
Heaven help me
'Cause I can't help myself

Self

I love it when I hear preaching that is honest and straight from the heart. Tonight that is what I got and it really hit home. I have really been in a slump lately but that has been because I have been all about SELF. Not to go back to my pity party but I must explain the slump. I am truly alone, I have no one to lean on or depend on. No help or support, no relief ever from my kids or my life with them. BUT I have God and that is all that matters. I have to quit worrying about my wants and desires and focus on what God wants for my life.
There is absolutely nothing that I can do to ensure that anyone in this world will like me or be pleased with me but God on the other hand has made that simple. He loves me NO MATTER what and all I must do to keep him pleased with me is try my best to stay in His will for my life. Serve people and they will tolerate you and maybe even be pleased for the time being but it will not make them truly love you. There is nothing I can do besides be myself and treat people in the way that God would have me to. If that leaves me alone in this world then God has a reason for that.
I have never been a very likeable person, not someone that most people can get close to and I know that it is something about me although I'm not sure what. Maybe if I give in to God he can change that too. So time to get rid of self and figure out what God wants from my life. Time for a BRAND NEW ME!!!!

Maybe I'm just crazy that way

I know I'm really going to hear about this one but some things just need to be said. When the elementary school did their yearbooks this year they had a little section where you could pay and put a message to your kid in the back(which by the way was a really cool idea). So Audrey is setting and looking at the boy's yearbook and she says "Mom did you see this It's ridiculous." She is a bit dramatic so I thought here we go again but this time it was my turn to be dramatic!! Hate me all that you want but you DO NOT drag my kids into the middle of it and go out of your way to try to make them feel bad!!!!!!!!!!! There are notes in there from Mike's parents to part of their grandkids. First of all we all know who paid for them, I know that they didn't and I'm not blaming them even if they did. I know where the hatred comes from. There is a note to the 2 that belong to her and also one to Shawn's girl (although there isn't one from him and his wife so we know they didn't do it either – again not blaming them.). Again I'll say hate me all you want but do not hurt my kids because of it. I have done my best to stay out of your way, even given up the church that I grew up in and still you can't be satisfied. How could you do that to my children? Do you think that they understand that it is hatred from you and not that their grandparents don't love them as much as they love your kids? Of course they don't!!!!! I'm quoting here –"To Isaiah Smerecansky, You are our best buddy! We love you so much! Pawpaw and Mawmaw" How is that suppose to make my boys feel? Hopefully they will never notice it, I'm sure not going to point it out to them but if they do they will be devastated. I know it's going to be the same old "I wasn't thinking" excuse if it's ever discussed and I know you will hear about this from someone and maybe read it from someone else's account. I truly hope that you feel like a dog for it, I honestly don't know how you live with yourself.
I know your going to spew the whole Christians have to love line again and to that I say….. Yes we do but we don't have to love your ways!!! We are to mark those who cause divisions and stay away from them (read your bible)! I do believe I would call this causing a division and we all know that it's not the first one. We love you, you are family and you are one of God's creations but you are not someone that we can allow to continue to poison our lives. Although you seem to continue to be able to do that even from a distance.
Now I am truly sorry if I offended anyone with this, there is a history that goes with it that some know and some don't and I am truly hurt and disappointed that grownups can't leave kids out of their disputes. I for one would never drag kids into a dispute that I had with anyone, it seems to me the sensible thing to do. But maybe I'm just crazy that way.

Give a Mom a break? Please!

First let me start with a disclaimer. I would do anything to make my kids happy and to help them do well in life. That said:
When does Mom get a break? Our lives are so busy anymore that it seems there is no time left to just have fun. When we were young that was what the summer was for but now that is even pretty much gone. Baseball won't be over until tomorrow, Audrey started Summer Volleyball practices yesterday and Matthew brought home a huge pack of summer work (so that he doesn't forget what he learned in preschool before he gets to Kindergarten). Don't get me wrong all of these things are great and they do help the kids out but where did Summer Vacation go? Do we put too much pressure on our kids? Do they ever get a chance to just be kids? Then we wonder why kids grow up so fast now. I know, I know. I'm going to get a lot of complaints about this one but its true. We want them to be able to do all the things their friends do and we want them to be good at everything and we want them to have a great future but at what cost. Our retirement age is so high already now and you know it will be higher by the time they get there (if they have one at all) so why not let them just have a childhood and worry about all of these things in the future.
I can't change the world and I know if I want my kids to do well at the things that they love that they need any edge they can get but it just seems to me that we learned so much about life from just hanging out during the summers. Is there a lesson that they are missing? Will they know how to just have fun with their families when they have them? Do they know that Mom loves them just because she does, even if they aren't doing something "spectacular"? Do they realize that Mom can just chill and be fun at times too? We have to spend so much time making sure that they do what they need to do and that they get to where they need to go that I think just maybe they are missing out on a few valuable lessons!!
Update: Audrey went for her check up for her knee and they think that it is going to heal itself. It is doing really good and she is starting to build it back up slowly now after NO use for 6 wks. Don't have to go back for a year unless it gets bad again. Praise the Lord!!!

Just day to day things.

I haven't been on much lately but it has been very hectic around here. Of course when isn't it but it has been worse the last few weeks. First I had bronchitis a few weeks ago and am still coughing and very tired. Mike's dad has been very sick and gave us all a real scare. So I have been a little lazy about keeping up with things. So I will do a little update. First, Audrey's Knee; She is currently "resting" it which is driving her and me insane because she loves to be outside and doing things. Keeping her off her bike has been the real struggle. We are halfway through the 6 wk. rest and her knee is really looking a lot better. I can tell a huge difference. Hopefully it is helping on the inside too. The lesion was smaller than an eraser so it looks hopeful. Second, Kittens; I am down to 3 and I guess we are keeping one. So I still have 2 to get rid of. They are just the cutest things and I hope everyone that gets them enjoys them. Third, Dog and Other Animals(haha); I am hoping to get my puppy any day now. Now let's just pray that I can get it trained. I am considering trying the new doggy litter that they have. Plus we now have 3 more turtles (Thanks Carolyn) and the boys absolutely love them. Now we just need a bigger tank for them. Hard to believe a few months ago we were down to only 1 pet(the 1 turtle we already had) and now even once I get rid of the 2 kittens we aren't keeping we will have 7!!! I love animals, no matter how much I try to deny it on the days they drive me insane. So I think thats about it. Nothing out of the ordinary for us I don't guess. I am having a little problem with something that happened when Mike's dad got sick but I am trying to take my time and handle it in the best way possible. I wish the Dickens men would stick up for themselves but I think they may need a woman to do it for them(or 3 or 4 women - haha).

MRI's, Kittens and Bears! Oh My!!

Have a few different things to mention so where to start….. Audrey made it through her MRI with flying colors. They did have to redo the last set because her knee started twitching but that was no big deal. She did really well, way better than I thought she would considering how nervous she was. Now we just have to wait to hear the results from the surgeon next week. I've quit worrying about it and left it all up to God. What will be, will be.
On to other things….Apparently we had a bear last night, the first sighting of the season. He tried his best to get inside the Blazer, not sure why though because it has been setting there for months in need of being fixed (now that's a whole other story). The picture is not great; if you actually see it you can see where he pushed his nose up against the glass.

A short update on the kittens too. They are getting so big and are all over the place. Most of them are using the litter box already and a few are starting to try to eat. It's going to be hard to get rid of any of them let along all of them. Mike says though (and anyone who knows us well will know what a big deal this is) that HE is getting ME a dog. I am by heart a dog person, I love them and would love to have one now that all the kids will be in school but……. I CANNOT house train a dog. I have tried so many times and it never works for me. My guess would be that it is my laziness but I'm hoping that if he gets the dog for me that I will try a little harder. We'll see I guess, if he even gets it lol.

OCD:Who knew?

Actually, he called it an OCD lesion. It stands for something fancy that I can't remember. I just found the diagnosis a bit amusing because I am always telling her she is a little crazy. LOL
For those of you who know me well this part will be redundant but oh well. Sorry about that.
Audrey had a severe infection in her leg about a year and a half ago. It was called cellulitis (which is a fancy word for an infection just underneath the skin surface) and turned out to be a staff infection. She was in the hospital for 3 days, couldn't walk for a few weeks and was on crutches for a little over a month. You would have had to see the leg to understand how bad it was; it ended up being about 3 times its normal size. They finally had to make an incision and drain the leg to get it to heal and she ended up having to have the roots of her big toenail cut out on that foot to clear up the infection there. She has had trouble with the knee on that leg ever since but the swelling and pain would come and go. Getting her to the doctor while it was actually swollen and hurting was very difficult. It took about a year but I finally managed to get him to see that there was a problem. He did x-rays and they came back with a report of being fine. So he had her wear a brace for a while and it has helped but as soon as she doesn't wear it we are back to square one.
Now to the present, He decided there was nothing else he could do so he referred her to a specialist. We go in, he glances at the x-rays, asks a few questions, checks her knee out a little and says he really doesn't see anything. I think Oh Great!!! So I just start talking and telling him every little thing I can think of about how it affects her, what hurts her and what doesn't and apparently he had a "light bulb" moment. He started checking her knee in a different way and looking for certain things and then went to actually look at the x-rays. Sure enough there it is big as day, how the person that read them didn't see it the doctor can't seem to fathom. She has a "pothole" of cartilage gone on the back side of her knee cap. Now whether it is from the infection or she injured it and didn't know it or it is going to be some type of disorder she has we do not know and may never know.
She goes for an MRI Friday to see just how bad it really is and we will go from there with her treatment but there is a possibility that she will have to have surgery. It has taken me a week to be able to set down and write about it because it upsets me to think about it. She is still young enough that it may be able to heal itself but we will have to see. She is really anxious about the MRI and will be truly crushed if she can not play volleyball when the season starts next year. I am trusting in God that everything will be okay though and even if she has to have surgery and can't do the things that she loves I know that God has a reason for it. Everyone just keep her in your thoughts and prayers.