Mapped Out

I'm 4 months in and just a few days away from signing up for classes and I'm still not positive about what I want to do. I have that figured out though. I aced my placement tests so no dummy classes (shew) and my plan is to actually get 2 Associates Degrees in 2 years. Hopefully by the time I finish that I will know what direction I want to go in.  I've been so excited, waiting to sign up for the classes, that I can't hardly stand it. It is so hard to wait to get the rest of your life started. There are so many things that I want to do and learn that some days I wonder if I'm taking on more than I can handle. I have my schedule for the next year completely mapped out and on paper it looks doable. Unfortunately paper doesn't always correlate to the real world so all I can do is jump in feet first and hope that I can swim. For right now though I'm planning on enjoying the next month of only one job and no classes.

When I grow up ........

     There has been this running joke going on, that only I am privy to, that it is time for "Mommy" to decide what she wants to be when she grows up.  It isn't really a joke though (or at least I hope it doesn't turn out that way).
     My children are getting older, our lives have changed a lot in the last few years and I know that it is time for a new chapter. Having the courage to start that new chapter required a huge push for me though. I've said for years that when my youngest child started middle school I was going to do something. Get a job, go to college, I wasn't sure what but I knew it was going to be something. That day came and went and you still found me sitting in the same spot I had been in for 18 years. Change is scary and who wants to do scary. Not Me!! We were already going through enough changes in our life. Big changes. We knew the day was coming, had known for awhile, that my husband would finally be transferred away from the mines that he called home for so many years. The place that had changed our lives for the better 10 years ago, the place that had changed so many peoples lives in a devastating way just a few years ago. It was finally time to move on. We had made the decision some time before that he wouldn't be going back underground in the coal mines and we had been preparing for the transition, which was going to bring quite a pay cut for over a year. With a family of 6 you can only prepare so much financially though but we were. We had it all figured out, had paid off what we could, cut back on what we could and we were prepared. Then they moved him. While it took a few months for the pay cut to take effect, the surprise that his hours were also cut when he moved hit us immediately. We couldn't handle both. So I had been pushed and pushed hard.
     So now, half way through the school year that was suppose to be my time to do something, I am. I went from a stay at home mom that devoted all of her time to her family to a working mom who is really struggling to figure it all out. I'm working 2 part time jobs, both in fields that I am interested in (such a blessing) and trying to decide What I want to be when I grow up.
     My hope is that I can start college this summer and work only one part time job while I get a degree. Nothing fancy, to start out with, just an Associates degree from a Community College (which happens to be where one of my jobs is). In anticipation of trying to start college I have been trying to refresh some of the things that I learned 20 years ago. Oh my, that is scary!! 20 years and I'm about to start all over again. I'm hoping to also keep up with my writing more through the process. I'd like to have a way to share with my kids someday, when they are actually interested, exactly what this time was like for me. It has already meant big changes for them and I'm sure there are more to come and at some point they may wonder what it was like for me. Probably not but you never know.

Now I just seriously need to decide what I want to do when I grow up.

Someday, Somehow, Some way

I tell myself all the time that I have to get back to this, that I have to make the time and that I need to make space in my life for the things that I love. Yet, it never happens. You would think that after 20 years of marriage and almost 18 years of being a Mom I would have somehow figured it out by now. You'd be wrong. I don't know how all of those perfect people that I see out there do it. I will never have it all together I suppose. I'm willing to accept my fate. That doesn't mean I have to quit trying. If I only get to post once a year, oh well, at least I managed that.
At this point in my life I am the mother of three teenagers one of whom is about to be an adult herself (yes I said three)(and no I don't look old enough, Thanks). I thought as they grew up that it would get easier and that the burden on my time would be less. I could make this true but I can't bring myself to do it. Yes, they are big enough to do a lot of things for themselves and they don't NEED me as much but thank goodness they still WANT my time. I love spending time with them. I love hanging out with my daughter just talking. I love playing video games with my boys. Not to sound cliche but someday soon I know that they will all be gone. Then I will have all the time I need for myself. For now, I continue to try to figure out how to juggle it all and still have time for myself.
💫Melanie

Too busy to notice?

When you are on a weight-loss journey it is easy to get so busy doing the things that you know you should be doing and to get preoccupied with the number on the scale that you forget to notice the real progress that you are making. I find myself getting caught up in that number on the scale all too often. Only doing the things that I think will make that number smaller. I have to stop and remember that this is about getting healthy, not about getting skinny. I have found one thing that helps me in a huge way with that. I decided to buy myself inspiration clothes. Something that I like, that is just a little too small (not too small or it will get depressing waiting forever to get into it). Last week I got into my first purchase, a pair of jeans. It is truly amazing, the changes that take place in your body while you are too busy looking at the scale. In all honesty, I'm not losing that much weight but I am getting smaller. I can run longer and faster. I can lift more weight and do more reps. I am getting stronger, I am getting healthier. If I keep looking at the scale, those facts get lost. I'm not going to quit weighing in but there is also already a new pair of shorts hanging in my room. Just waiting for my big butt to fit in them.

Can time fly?

I seriously thought that it had only been a few weeks since I had posted......Instead it's been two months. Seriously? It doesn't seem possible. Where have I been? Apparently with my head stuck in a hole. I have one GOOD excuse though. PROM!!!! My first ever experience with Prom and I mean that literally. I was already dating my husband in 11th grade and he didn't want to go, so I wouldn't. By the time Prom came around my 12th grade year I was married and had just found out I was pregnant. I didn't really feel like going to Prom. It's one of those things that you always wonder about. So when my 17 year old daughter said she didn't think she wanted to go to Prom, I took away her choice. She was going. Like it or not. I know some may think that was the wrong thing to do but like it or hate it, it was an experience I wanted her to have. If she doesn't want to go next year that is fine but it's one "what if" I could keep her from living with. The chaos of preparing for it was out of this world though. Trust me, the dress up part, she thoroughly enjoyed. I have to say, I enjoyed it too. It wasn't her cup of tea but she had a good time. I love how mature she is, I really do but sometimes I wish she could just be a teenager.

We took a lot of pictures but this seems to be everyone's favorite. I was standing there talking to some of the other parents and the lady beside me said "You have to get a picture of this". This will be a memory that we all keep forever.

I wish I could?

I wish I could run. Seriously run. I want to feel that runners high. I want to feel like I have truly accomplished something that I wanted to. I want to be healthy and strong. I just don't know how to get there. I do a lot of walking and I guess that is a good first step. I found a program that I think could really get me there but there are a few glitches.

There is a program called the Couch to 5k and it is designed to help people who have never ran to get to the point that they can run a 5k. It is a wonderful program, it really is. I love it. The problem I have is the same problem that plagues me in everything I try to do. Laziness? No, although that doesn't help. The problem is where I live. If you've read any of my previous posts you probably know that I live in the middle of nowhere and for the most part I love that, I really do. It's times like this that it gets annoying. An hour from the closest city, no parks or gyms. So my only option is to run on the road which is not necessarily a bad option except.... 1) It has quite an incline. I can't run and you want me to start out doing it on an incline, yeah right. 2) I grew up here and there are a lot of these people in these houses that I really don't want to look out there window and see my fat butt running by. 3) There are a lot of distractions on this road. Cars constantly coming by (and this is barely a two lane road, there are no lines. So I have to be sure I'm not in the way) that may have the before mentioned people that I grew up with and around in them. Animals are the biggest distraction. I am not at all keen to being chased by a goat while I try to run. Or roosters. Or even dogs for that matter.

I'm not giving up though. I refuse to. I may be on the first week of this program for months before I actually find the time to get in the three workouts a week and feel comfortable moving on. I may have to adjust my route to figure out how to do most of it in the downward direction of the incline. I definitely have to figure out how to get over the self-consciousness of people looking out their windows and seeing me. I will not give up though and at some point I will be a runner.

Oh Well

 It's 8am and already this morning I've been a short-order cook, a valet, a nurse, a motivational speaker, a disciplinarian, a chauffeur, a barber, and a teacher. I could really use a motivational speech of my own. I feel like I should be done for the day but I still have to be a dishwasher, a maid, a chef, a stock boy(girl actually) and run a laundromat during the day and then a full time chauffeur this evening. What I want to do is set here and write and read other blogs but "Oh well" off I go to get busy again. 

Can I figure this out?

Not a whole lot of effort went into that weight loss. I have to figure out how to find a balance with my weight loss desires. I am either all in or all out and that's not working well for me. There has to be an in between somewhere. I know I can't lose weight as fast as I did with a balance of the two but I can still lose weight. If I can't exercise everyday then I get discouraged and don't do it at all. If I eat bad one day then the next day I have given up. I have to learn to give myself a break when I'm not doing it perfect. Do I really expect to go the rest of my life without drinking another Coke? Can I realistically exercise everyday? There has to be an in between. There has to. I'm determined to find it. I'm going to find it. It may take me the rest of my life but I will not quit. I'd rather it be sooner and not later because I feel like time is running out. I feel like there is a line in the sand and that I have until I reach that line before it will be too late and I will be completely stuck in my ways. I know that's not true, that it's all in my head but I feel a sense of desperation. As I typed those last few sentences I realized something. That feeling of desperation may be my whole problem. If I would truly give myself the rest of my life to figure it out and erase that line in the sand it would make this so much easier. No matter what happens this is going to be a lifetime problem for me. If I woke up skinny tomorrow I wouldn't stay that way for long if I still didn't have that balance. So I will continue my quest. Any and all advice will be appreciated. 

Easiest way from here to there?

Is usually a straight line. Not around here. This makes my life harder and is the reason for many discussions the kids and I have about hovercrafts. A lot of the things we do take place in a city that is an hour drive from us. By way of a bird it would probably take 15 minutes, at most. It's the price we pay to live in the country and for him to have a 10 minute drive to work. If anyone could figure out the whole hovercraft thing though, I would be eternally grateful.

Why can't I post regularly?

That's simple. This is what my day looks like this time of year.

4:50 - Get Hubby up and going. Fix sandwiches for his lunch. 

5:15 - Audrey up and getting ready. 

5:20- Hubby leaves. 

5:30- Jo up to shower. 

5:45- Drew up to shower. 

6:20- Drive to bus stop

6:30- Home. Shower. Load of clothes in washer. Load dishwasher. 

7:30- Matt up to shower. Finish getting ready. 

8:15- Leave for Matt's school. 

8:30 to 1:00- Work Santa's workshop. 

1:15- Home. Switch out Laundry. Cook Dinner. Pick up the house as much as possible. 

3:00- Get 3 oldest kids off bus. Feed them. 

3:20- Leave. An hour drive to Beckley plus a little driving around to make sure we were in the right place. 

4:45- Drop Audrey off for practice. 

5:00- Mom's to visit for a few minutes and drop off pants for her to hem. 

5:40- Leave Mom's and take Jo to CAP. 

6:00- Drop Jo at CAP and go to pick Audrey up from practice. 

6:30- Pick Audrey up.

6:30 to 8:30- Shop for Santa's workshop. Spend a few minutes chilling out with Audrey at McDonalds. 

9:00- Pick Jo up from CAP. Stop at store and pick up a few things. Drive an hour home. 

10:00- Home. Get everyone settled in bed. Put last load of clothes for the day in the dryer. Do a few odds and ends. Watch a little TV to relax and then CRASH. So that I can get up tomorrow and do another day of the same kind of thing. 

     Let me also mention that Drew had to be at his school at 5:30 for a choir concert at 6:00 so Hubby had a wonderful evening too. I hated to miss the concert but guess what I get to do Thursday? Spend the day on the bus and at schools with the choir for concerts!! Yay!! I will be glad when Christmas break gets here. 

The best way out is always through

The best way out is always through. ~ Robert Frost

The easiest thing is to ignore the hard things in our life. To force the hurt and pain down inside. There are times that it doesn't work, can't work. There are things that are too big to hold inside. Sometimes through is not only the best way but the only way.  Some tragedies are so big that there is no actual through, your life is forever changed. When my husbands Mines had an explosion that is what happened to us. It is taking time to figure out how to live our lives on this side of it. 

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. 

It goes on. ~ Robert Frost

As hard as that is to except sometimes it is how our lives work. Although life goes on that doesn't mean it goes on exactly the same. That it can go on exactly the same. It's been hard. Hard to except that it actually happened, Hard to believe that they are all really gone. Hard to listen to the lies and untruths told for a little fame. Hard to be judged by so many others. Hard on both of us for him to go to work everyday. My husband is one of the few that was left working there to keep things running while they did the investigation. This has made moving on very hard for him. He tried not dealing with it, like he does most things in his life and it didn't work. So now a year and a half later we are still trying to work through it but at least he has now excepted that he has no other choice. We will make it out of this and on to a stronger life for ourselves but it has forever changed us. 

Fun with Siri

I finally got my new iPhone over the weekend but Siri didn't like my kids voices so I'm just getting to play with her today. I found she works better with headphones so I'm thinking I may finally go Bluetooth. After figuring out how to use it for text, emails, notes and reminders I decided to have a little fun. She's actually very interesting.

Actually I wrote this whole post using her.










Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Is Pumpkin Pie Impossible?

In my family it is. I don't know where this got its start, I should really ask my Mom. I absolutely love it, I do believe it is my favorite part of this time of year. It is Impossible Pumpkin Pie. This has to be the best stuff in the world and to make it even better it is very easy to make. Why Impossible? There's no crust yet the edges of the pie firm up enough to hold it all together.

Impossible Pumpkin Pie

1 1/2 c. Pumpkin
2 eggs
1/2. tsp. Salt
1 1/2 tsp. Pumpkin Pie Spice
1/2 c. Self-rising Flour
1 c. Sugar
2 Tbs. Butter
1 can cream



Grease bottom and sides of 9x9 pan with butter. Beat 2 minutes in blender. Pour into pan and sprinkle nutmeg on top. Bake in greased pan for 45 minutes at 350. (I did double the recipe this year and made it in a 9x13 pan. It looks good, hopefully it still tastes good too.)

2+19+4=Happy?

2 people together for 19 years with 4 kids can not always equal Happy. There have been rough days, weeks, months and even years. We're still standing, together. There have been times when it would definitely have been easier to just walk away, there are still times when that would be the easy thing. Life isn't about doing the easy thing or at least it shouldn't be. Happily Ever After doesn't come without a story full of witches and trials. So here I am 19 years later still working towards that end.

Am I Thinner Yet?

Between January and May I lost 30 lbs. Then the kids got out for summer break. I can't keep it up while they are off. I can't walk in the mornings like I do when they are in school and I absolutely can't eat right when they are home all day long.  I managed to do pretty good though and only gained a couple of pounds over the summer. As soon as they started back to school I started back to my routine of walking and exercising but I couldn't get my eating back under control but I managed to lose the few pounds I had gained. Then I got Mono and now I'm back up 10 pounds. I need to get myself started back in at least a small way. So today I went for a walk, only about half of what I was doing but it felt pretty good. Until now. I feel like my legs are going to fall off.

What has my toughest parenting challenge been?

This is not an easy post for me to write. It is something that I have struggled with a lot lately as both a mother who really cares about the adults my children will someday be and a Christian. Trying to raise a daughter in this world that we live in is not an easy task at all and I find myself feeling that I have done her a huge disfavor. We have to teach our daughters from a young age to be careful about who they trust, to protect themselves from the dangers this world can hold for them but I'm starting to feel like that has done damage. She is too guarded and too critical. Some days I feel like that isn't my fault, that it is just her personality because she is a lot like her daddy in that regard. There are days though that it breaks my heart and I feel like I have failed her. How do we walk that line and stay on the right side of it? How do you know when it's enough and when it's too much? How do you teach them that they shouldn't let anyone make them do something they are uncomfortable with but not teach them to be completely uncompromising? How do I teach her to be an independent woman but also teach her that a Christian wife should submit to the Godly decisions that her husband makes? I hope that the example I set makes a difference but I have no doubt about how much I have failed in that area. I strive daily to do better but people, even (or maybe especially) our children, tend to remember the bad that we have done and not the good. My daughter is a wonderful person, so very responsible and mature and I want so much for her but more than any of the things I would hope for my children, I hope for their happiness. I'm afraid she will let that pass her by out of shear stubbornness.

Can I try on your pants?

I have a new obsession in my struggle with my weight. I find myself really wanting to try on your pants. I know how crazy it sounds but I have a feeling that I am not alone in this. When I see someone close to my size I find myself thinking "Am I bigger or smaller than you?" Then it comes, the thought that man I would love to try on that outfit you have on and see how it fits me. I'm not proud of it but that is how my mind is working at the moment. I have never had a realistic view of my size and for many years I didn't even realize that. Now that I truly know and understand that, it leaves me struggling to find a realistic view. So sometimes I would love to just try on your pants and see how my size truly compares to yours. Sorry!!

Can I make a Cabbage Roll?

My first attempt at making Cabbage Rolls.

I only got 6 full leaves off of the head of cabbage but I think I learned some good things to do next time to get more. So I made the extra meat into "meat"balls and cooked them in with it. Other than that I think it was a complete success. I will do a few things different next time but I'm not too worried because this is how the pan looked at the end of the night.

How I made them

Parboil the head of cabbage for 6 minutes in salty water. (Next time I will do 4 or 5 minutes, take it out and get off the first few and then put it back in for a few more minutes. This made the leaves very easy to work with and a great consistency when they were done but I couldn't get enough leaves off easily with just doing the whole head for 6 minutes.)

Meat mixture

1 lb. ground beef

1/2 c. rice( I did the same as I do for stuffed peppers, I used Premium Minute Rice and did not precook it.Yes that's may lazy streak showing through. I actually do like the texture in the end better though doing it this way.)

3 T. of a can of tomato soup

3 T. of a can of diced tomatoes

1 T. lemon juice

1 T. brown sugar

1 package of Lipton Onion soup mix

     Mix together and split between 8 cabbage leaves. (I only came up with 6 good pieces so like I said I made the rest into "meat"balls) Roll the cabbage leaves around the meat creating a seam across the top

Sauce

Mix together the remainder of the tomato soup and the diced tomatoes. Put this in the pan first and then lay the cabbage rolls in it. (Next time I think I will use a can of tomato sauce too so that we will have more of the sauce.)

Will you bring me some chips,please?

Mr. Perfect(ly Stubborn) wouldn't listen to my advice Saturday night so Sunday morning he couldn't even stand up straight because his back was hurting. He made it to church Sunday Morning but couldn't hold out through Sunday night. I was a little worried about him so I kept my phone in the pew with me rather than leaving it in my purse (something I don't normally do). As a result these were the texts I saw during the service.
   
     *Will you bring me some chips,please

     *Have I told you lately how much I love you

     *Need milk

     *Lee and Tiffany are coming on

     *High low

I would look at the screen thinking something was going to be wrong but no, not once. Just his craziness. Next time he will be suffering in silence.

What's the latest, greatest thing my kids are involved with?

CAP

Civil Air Patrol

This is the opportunity that it brought them today.

At this point the way they found their way to this organization is a little bit of a sore spot for me because I ended up feeling used but I'm not sorry because it is awesome for them. It is sponsored by the Air Force and is held at our local airport, which is barely an airport. They are learning so much and I am so proud of them. Getting to see them march in the Veteran's Day Parade today was a wonderful experience.