Mapped Out

I'm 4 months in and just a few days away from signing up for classes and I'm still not positive about what I want to do. I have that figured out though. I aced my placement tests so no dummy classes (shew) and my plan is to actually get 2 Associates Degrees in 2 years. Hopefully by the time I finish that I will know what direction I want to go in.  I've been so excited, waiting to sign up for the classes, that I can't hardly stand it. It is so hard to wait to get the rest of your life started. There are so many things that I want to do and learn that some days I wonder if I'm taking on more than I can handle. I have my schedule for the next year completely mapped out and on paper it looks doable. Unfortunately paper doesn't always correlate to the real world so all I can do is jump in feet first and hope that I can swim. For right now though I'm planning on enjoying the next month of only one job and no classes.

When I grow up ........

     There has been this running joke going on, that only I am privy to, that it is time for "Mommy" to decide what she wants to be when she grows up.  It isn't really a joke though (or at least I hope it doesn't turn out that way).
     My children are getting older, our lives have changed a lot in the last few years and I know that it is time for a new chapter. Having the courage to start that new chapter required a huge push for me though. I've said for years that when my youngest child started middle school I was going to do something. Get a job, go to college, I wasn't sure what but I knew it was going to be something. That day came and went and you still found me sitting in the same spot I had been in for 18 years. Change is scary and who wants to do scary. Not Me!! We were already going through enough changes in our life. Big changes. We knew the day was coming, had known for awhile, that my husband would finally be transferred away from the mines that he called home for so many years. The place that had changed our lives for the better 10 years ago, the place that had changed so many peoples lives in a devastating way just a few years ago. It was finally time to move on. We had made the decision some time before that he wouldn't be going back underground in the coal mines and we had been preparing for the transition, which was going to bring quite a pay cut for over a year. With a family of 6 you can only prepare so much financially though but we were. We had it all figured out, had paid off what we could, cut back on what we could and we were prepared. Then they moved him. While it took a few months for the pay cut to take effect, the surprise that his hours were also cut when he moved hit us immediately. We couldn't handle both. So I had been pushed and pushed hard.
     So now, half way through the school year that was suppose to be my time to do something, I am. I went from a stay at home mom that devoted all of her time to her family to a working mom who is really struggling to figure it all out. I'm working 2 part time jobs, both in fields that I am interested in (such a blessing) and trying to decide What I want to be when I grow up.
     My hope is that I can start college this summer and work only one part time job while I get a degree. Nothing fancy, to start out with, just an Associates degree from a Community College (which happens to be where one of my jobs is). In anticipation of trying to start college I have been trying to refresh some of the things that I learned 20 years ago. Oh my, that is scary!! 20 years and I'm about to start all over again. I'm hoping to also keep up with my writing more through the process. I'd like to have a way to share with my kids someday, when they are actually interested, exactly what this time was like for me. It has already meant big changes for them and I'm sure there are more to come and at some point they may wonder what it was like for me. Probably not but you never know.

Now I just seriously need to decide what I want to do when I grow up.

Someday, Somehow, Some way

I tell myself all the time that I have to get back to this, that I have to make the time and that I need to make space in my life for the things that I love. Yet, it never happens. You would think that after 20 years of marriage and almost 18 years of being a Mom I would have somehow figured it out by now. You'd be wrong. I don't know how all of those perfect people that I see out there do it. I will never have it all together I suppose. I'm willing to accept my fate. That doesn't mean I have to quit trying. If I only get to post once a year, oh well, at least I managed that.
At this point in my life I am the mother of three teenagers one of whom is about to be an adult herself (yes I said three)(and no I don't look old enough, Thanks). I thought as they grew up that it would get easier and that the burden on my time would be less. I could make this true but I can't bring myself to do it. Yes, they are big enough to do a lot of things for themselves and they don't NEED me as much but thank goodness they still WANT my time. I love spending time with them. I love hanging out with my daughter just talking. I love playing video games with my boys. Not to sound cliche but someday soon I know that they will all be gone. Then I will have all the time I need for myself. For now, I continue to try to figure out how to juggle it all and still have time for myself.
💫Melanie

Too busy to notice?

When you are on a weight-loss journey it is easy to get so busy doing the things that you know you should be doing and to get preoccupied with the number on the scale that you forget to notice the real progress that you are making. I find myself getting caught up in that number on the scale all too often. Only doing the things that I think will make that number smaller. I have to stop and remember that this is about getting healthy, not about getting skinny. I have found one thing that helps me in a huge way with that. I decided to buy myself inspiration clothes. Something that I like, that is just a little too small (not too small or it will get depressing waiting forever to get into it). Last week I got into my first purchase, a pair of jeans. It is truly amazing, the changes that take place in your body while you are too busy looking at the scale. In all honesty, I'm not losing that much weight but I am getting smaller. I can run longer and faster. I can lift more weight and do more reps. I am getting stronger, I am getting healthier. If I keep looking at the scale, those facts get lost. I'm not going to quit weighing in but there is also already a new pair of shorts hanging in my room. Just waiting for my big butt to fit in them.

Can time fly?

I seriously thought that it had only been a few weeks since I had posted......Instead it's been two months. Seriously? It doesn't seem possible. Where have I been? Apparently with my head stuck in a hole. I have one GOOD excuse though. PROM!!!! My first ever experience with Prom and I mean that literally. I was already dating my husband in 11th grade and he didn't want to go, so I wouldn't. By the time Prom came around my 12th grade year I was married and had just found out I was pregnant. I didn't really feel like going to Prom. It's one of those things that you always wonder about. So when my 17 year old daughter said she didn't think she wanted to go to Prom, I took away her choice. She was going. Like it or not. I know some may think that was the wrong thing to do but like it or hate it, it was an experience I wanted her to have. If she doesn't want to go next year that is fine but it's one "what if" I could keep her from living with. The chaos of preparing for it was out of this world though. Trust me, the dress up part, she thoroughly enjoyed. I have to say, I enjoyed it too. It wasn't her cup of tea but she had a good time. I love how mature she is, I really do but sometimes I wish she could just be a teenager.

We took a lot of pictures but this seems to be everyone's favorite. I was standing there talking to some of the other parents and the lady beside me said "You have to get a picture of this". This will be a memory that we all keep forever.

I wish I could?

I wish I could run. Seriously run. I want to feel that runners high. I want to feel like I have truly accomplished something that I wanted to. I want to be healthy and strong. I just don't know how to get there. I do a lot of walking and I guess that is a good first step. I found a program that I think could really get me there but there are a few glitches.

There is a program called the Couch to 5k and it is designed to help people who have never ran to get to the point that they can run a 5k. It is a wonderful program, it really is. I love it. The problem I have is the same problem that plagues me in everything I try to do. Laziness? No, although that doesn't help. The problem is where I live. If you've read any of my previous posts you probably know that I live in the middle of nowhere and for the most part I love that, I really do. It's times like this that it gets annoying. An hour from the closest city, no parks or gyms. So my only option is to run on the road which is not necessarily a bad option except.... 1) It has quite an incline. I can't run and you want me to start out doing it on an incline, yeah right. 2) I grew up here and there are a lot of these people in these houses that I really don't want to look out there window and see my fat butt running by. 3) There are a lot of distractions on this road. Cars constantly coming by (and this is barely a two lane road, there are no lines. So I have to be sure I'm not in the way) that may have the before mentioned people that I grew up with and around in them. Animals are the biggest distraction. I am not at all keen to being chased by a goat while I try to run. Or roosters. Or even dogs for that matter.

I'm not giving up though. I refuse to. I may be on the first week of this program for months before I actually find the time to get in the three workouts a week and feel comfortable moving on. I may have to adjust my route to figure out how to do most of it in the downward direction of the incline. I definitely have to figure out how to get over the self-consciousness of people looking out their windows and seeing me. I will not give up though and at some point I will be a runner.

Oh Well

 It's 8am and already this morning I've been a short-order cook, a valet, a nurse, a motivational speaker, a disciplinarian, a chauffeur, a barber, and a teacher. I could really use a motivational speech of my own. I feel like I should be done for the day but I still have to be a dishwasher, a maid, a chef, a stock boy(girl actually) and run a laundromat during the day and then a full time chauffeur this evening. What I want to do is set here and write and read other blogs but "Oh well" off I go to get busy again.