Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm a Cold, Cold Woman

I have been called cold many times in my life and that is fine. When it comes to my kids though I am not cold, people have no idea why I choose to act the way I do and they shouldn't judge me for it. From the time my first child was born I knew that I did not want them to be totally dependent and attached to me. I would love to be their whole world but is that really healthy for them…..NO it is not. I was scared from the minute I first got pregnant that some day I would not be able to be there for my children and I did not want their whole world to fall apart if that ever happened. It may be irrational, or maybe there is something coming in the future that I have always foreseen. I don't know what God has for us in the future but I want my kids to be able to handle themselves when it does come. My kids have not had to go through the trauma of crying everyday for weeks when they start school or not being able to do something that they want to do because they can't leave my side. They know that I love them and that I will always be there for them to every bit of my ability but they also know that they can do most things by and for themselves. If they need me I am there but I do not hover or interfere, I am very protective, they don't go anywhere that I am not sure they will be as safe as can be expected in this world. So no one has the right to call me cold. I have raised my kids, trained my kids and loved my kids in the way that I felt was right and best for them. Does that make me right and you wrong or the other way around? No it doesn't. I love my children more than anything and I have devoted everything that I have to getting them to this point, so yes I am excited that they are all in school and starting the next phases of their lives and yes I am excited to have a little time to myself and away from them. If that makes me cold in your eyes then so be it. Let's see what the future has to hold, you may find that my way wasn't quite as bad as you thought.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Not everyone that says Lord, Lord

Not everyone that saith unto me Lord, Lord
shall enter into thy kingdom of heaven
but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in Heaven.
If you are a Christian and you want to know why the world thinks so little of you just watch this season of Big Brother and it will be clear. I have to say that these people do not represent the Christianity that I believe in or live daily. If this is what people see everyday it is no wonder that they think we are a joke.
Yes, we are not perfect, we all make mistakes, and after all we are all human. You can't live however you want, say what ever you want or do what ever you want though. If you go in to something with the thought in your head that its ok God will forgive me, you are walking a very fine line. That is a willful sin and God doesn't take that lightly and he may not continue to tolerate it.
Christians are no better than anyone else, the only thing that sets you apart is God's forgiveness. We are all as filthy rags unless we have accepted that forgiveness and are doing our best to live up to that honor. You can't guilt someone because they don't agree with your beliefs and you can't cram your religion down their throats. You have to let them see that Belief in your life. You definitely won't accomplish much by cussing them when they catch you up in your faults.
Most importantly you can't use God as an excuse for your bad choices. Just because you thought you were doing what God wanted does not mean that you were right. If you commit to doing something or helping someone and it turns out it was the wrong decision or they weren't what you thought then you stand up and admit you were wrong and do what is right. You don't say I have to do it because I promised I would, you do what is right and then God will help you with the fall-out.
Like I said no one is perfect, we all mess up at times but that's when you ask for forgiveness- from both God and anyone you hurt. Then you move on!!! I just hope that anyone that reads this can take this point away with them - Not everyone that saith unto me Lord, Lord shall enter into thy kingdom of heaven but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in Heaven. Mt.7:21

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Okay so I have been without a computer for a month. It was definitely an eye-opener. It wasn't all that bad except for the nights that I couldn't sleep (but if you know me, you know that's a lot of nights). I did some reading and a lot of writing – with an actual pencil. I hadn't done much writing for years and I had forgotten how good it feels to just write things down on paper. Above all I was reminded of what I wanted to do with my life when I actually use to think about such things. I wanted to write and I think it's time to look into some classes. For now though I can just keep boring you guys. So now on to my "downtime" for the last month, this is just a small part of what I have written in that time.
July 16th
I am realizing how spoiled I am. I miss my computer so very much. I had no idea how much I used the computer-how much we all used it. We don't sit on it for long periods of time so it never seemed like much. Music, pictures, recipes and looking up every little thing we want to know. We can't charge our Ipods and we have nothing to do with the pictures that we take. I can't make my favorite soup and I can't pay a lot of my bills that were set up electronically. Mike can't check his Raymond points daily or keep up with his 401K and the list goes on and on. We depend on it for so many things. How will we make it? Hopefully my laptop doesn't take long to get here.
July 19th
Today I had to break down and go to the Library and pay my bills. I was worried about putting any information in there but it all worked out. Most of them had all of the information saved in my profile and the ones that didn't I got numbers to call and pay them. So no bank account information had to be put in. The wait for my laptop is killing me- I shouldn't have been so picky!!
July 20th
As if not having a computer weren't enough now we are also without a phone (once again some lovely person stole the lines). So we are completely cut off from the outside world. I'm not sure how people use to live like this, with no connection to other people, it could drive you crazy.
July 23rd
Yet another concession. We had to buy a charger for our Ipods. We couldn't make it another day without them (yeah right). The gadget is cool but it's just another thing that the computer could be doing. It will be one less thing to bog the computer down when we do get it – Ipods will only need to be connected to change or add content, Hooray!! I have to find a positive somewhere so just ignore me, Please!!
July 26th
I need a computer now!! I have had one crappy day and I know I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. All I have to do is thank about my crappy day and that is not a good thing. Some things are better left unthought-of. Guess it's time to try books and video games. How long must I suffer? (Insert violin music here)

July 30th
Shipping date on laptop postponed but if I cancel and reorder it may take even longer plus I can no longer get exactly the same thing. So I wait!!! For now I'm writing, I forgot how much I liked it, and reading a little and for those late nights when I can't sleep I am wearing out the video games!!
August 3rd
I can't even check the daggone movie times. What Is my world coming to?
August 8th
It's officially ridiculous. I can't get the laptop I want right now because they are severely back ordered, so they had to cancel my order and I ordered a desktop. I have actually gotten use to not having one, not that I want to stay without one. The only time it really sucks is on my sleepless nights. I figure as long as I'm up and going by the time the kids go back to school I will be good. I'm reading even more and that's great – I need to work my brain, I'm sure.
August 10th
It should be here anytime and I'm so excited. I wish I had given up on the laptop the first time they changed the ship date. The desktop shipped the next day, again that's what I get for trying to get what I want. I did go ahead and go wireless though. I can use it for so much more than just the laptop (cable phone, Play station, Nintendo DS's) and it will be ready when I finally get the laptop. After all I have been so deprived that I have to ease the pain somehow. So Internet overload it is!!!!!
August 13th
Still didn't come today. I know they said tomorrow but I was so hoping it would be earlier. It did hit me today how much work getting everything set up and fixed is going to be. The computer, the wireless system, reading my old hard drive, getting all of the pictures, music and data onto the new one, it is going to be a long process. I'm so excited to get to do it all though, I'm such a geek I know. Reading the old hard drive with the new device I bought is really going to be cool. Technology so rocks!!!!
Well it's all here and partially set up so far. I thought I would be setting here non-stop today but I found it hard to get anything done because I had other things I wanted to do. Now it's late and I have nothing else to do so I am finally getting caught up on some things. I'm glad to have all of the information at my fingertips again.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Switching Gears

I'm not sure what it is about Joseph's birthdays but for some reason his age hits me harder than any of the others. Although I'm sure Audrey's next one will be big (come February I will be the mother of a teenager). Jo hit double digits, the big 1-0, and I feel so old. My kids are growing up and that is as scary as it is awesome.
It's amazing how time gets away from you. I spent so many years pregnant and having kids and then the last 5 years just trying to enjoy them and guide them. Now we are hitting a whole new stage and that genuinely scares me. Learning to be a mom to babies at the age of 18 was tough but I just really grew up with them. Now I have to learn to be a mom to teenagers and I do believe that is going to be much harder. I've learned that a parent's main concern cannot be whether or not their kids like them. That gets you into big trouble. As they get older though that gets harder because they go from just thinking your mean for a few minutes to downright hating you for days. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will pay off in the future and that as long as I am there for them and do my best that they will remember that!! So ready or not future-here we come.