Defeated by Frost

For years we haven’t done anything with our yard. We have attempted a few times to take on projects but they end up not getting finished and becoming a disaster. Last summer we spent a lot of time cleaning up the yard and getting rid of junk and that is going to continue this year. When the kids were all little it seemed there were always more important things to concentrate on. I didn’t have time to worry about planting, watering or even mowing grass. Oh the grass got mowed but not as often as it should have, he worked so many hours and I had 4 kids (6 for one year) to chase after. So as you can imagine it just wasn’t a priority. Now that the yard is a little cleaner and starting to improve I am desperately trying to get a start on learning to plant and grow things. I planted 4 large pots of flowers and set them up in front of the wall to our drive and they are looking so beautiful but guess what? It frosted last night. Will this cold weather ever go away? I just hope they are not ruined. It may be the end of my attempts! I have other projects planned but this may just be the end of my hopes and dreams. (No I’m not really that dramatic, I’m just a little put off by the frost.) I will continue with my efforts, I shall not be defeated by a little frost. You will see.

Going Public

So after the suggestion from a few people I am taking my blog public. I have copied most of my blogs from my Myspace(so that people like my Mom who won't Myspace-it can see them) to this site and am ready to start blogging here. To all my Myspace readers - don’t worry I will still be blogging there too. I just want to be able to do more with my blogs. I’m sure it’s going to take me a while to figure it all out, so be patient. Writing is what I love, even though I’m not great at it. It makes me happy and often relieves my stress. I’m no professional, that’s for sure, I’m just here to have fun.

Victory! At least a small one.

Last week I had to confess but this week I get to rejoice. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted but I did great. I lost 2.4 lbs this week which leaves me only .2 of the weight that I had gained back. That is pretty good. I exercised everyday but Sunday (that's the day of rest anyway haha). So I am pretty proud. Now hopefully I am back on track and can lose more of this excess baggage. I still cheated a little on my eating last week, so if I can get that back to 100% this week I should be able to lose quite a bit. I'm having trouble with getting the need to munch around in the evenings and I have never done that before. I've always been bad about doing that during the days but now all of the sudden it has been hitting me in the evenings but I almost have it under control at this point. So wish me luck and stay tuned.

Confession Time

It's time for me to confess and get myself headed back in the right direction. I agree with a friend who said the other day that they hate to back-track. I am officially up 2.6 lbs. but I intend for that all to be gone by the end of this week and to be back on track. It has been a hard month for me but that is no excuse, I know that while we were at the hospital I didn't have much choice but in the week and a half since I have done nothing to help myself. In all honesty I have been a little depressed and sad but I can't use that as a crutch to keep myself from being what I need to be. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts, Coincidence? I think not! I have to learn to overcome that though and I will!! I have decided that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. (I think I may put that one on my fridge.)
I'm having trouble getting away from the junk food so I'm going back to where I started. When I started this whole thing I went 2 weeks without any kind of sugar to get it out of my system. I'm not going to go to that extreme this time but I am going down to a light version of what I have been doing. I'm going to cut back out the bread for a week and only have one fruit a day. That should get some of those cravings back out of my system and get rid of this extra water weight (I am swelled quite a bit).
I only exercised twice last week but as I mentioned before when I started back I was a little too hard on myself. So I'm going to start out a little slower but I am making you a promise right now that I will exercise everyday this week.
No more excuses and no more whimping out, I will get straightened out this week. No matter how much it hurts.

Sentimentality

Sometimes the things that have significant meaning in your life are in a way hidden. Some of the things that we can get sappy over are surprising and often we make sacrifices before knowing that we are.
Mike's dad is trying to "de-clutter" his house and wanted to replace the dining room table with a smaller one. This table means a lot to Mike so we went about a complicated process of swapping around tables in order to get the desired result. I was not at all prepared for how hard parting with my table would be though. I realize this sounds silly to most of you but this table has been a huge part of our lives. Every time someone would come here for the first time Mike would always tell his story about the table
"Do you know why I bought that table? Because I wanted more kids, so I bought the table and brought it in and when we set down at the table I pointed and said "Look there's an empty seat" and I knew she would just have to fill that seat."
And then I would of course add my part
"Yes, I had just broken my tailbone and I sent my husband out to get groceries and he came home with a new dining room table and who in the world would be thinking about getting their wife pregnant when she just broke her tailbone!"
And then we would both laugh about it. Of course I did fill that seat as soon as my tailbone healed, or actually before it completely healed (don't believe them when they say it will be healed in 6 weeks – it's a lie).
So like I said this table has been a huge part of our lives for quite some time. I still didn't think it would be this sad to see it go. After all it is just a table right? I would do anything to make this man that I love happy; sometimes I wonder what will be left of me in the end though. If I continue to give away my treasures to accommodate others what will I have left for others to cherish when I am gone? Yes, I know that I am over-thinking this whole ordeal and that it probably isn't so much about the table. Sometimes it just seems that sacrifice is a little too much of a sacrifice for me though

So sore to be back

I haven't really had the time in almost 2 weeks to do much exercise, actually that's not true, for the last few days I could have, I was just lazy. Most of you know that I have spent the last few weeks going back and forth to the hospital and then for 3 days I barely left the hospital and Mike didn't leave at all. This all made it very hard to exercise and impossible to eat right. I did the best I could though and I'm thrilled to say I only gained a little. About a pound to a pound and a half. So today I made myself get started back. I'm thinking at this moment that maybe I should've started a little slow though. I feel so much better just knowing that I exercised but I am so sore. I did my lower body strength training, which takes about 40 minutes, and then walked 3 miles, which takes an hour. Now I can barely move and I can imagine what it will be like tomorrow. I have to get back at it though. I want, more now than ever, to be healthy. My eyes have been opened to what my future could hold and I WILL do everything that I can to make it less likely.

Words can't explain

We owe a huge THANKS to so many people.
First to our church family:
There is no way for us to express the comfort that our church family has provided us. It is not a feeling that we are accustomed to having. So many of you went above and beyond to make sure that we knew that we were not alone and that is priceless. It is wonderful to know that there are people who care this much about us. With you and God a situation that would have been unbearable became a lesson for us about what can happen if you just lean on others. Thanks can in no way communicate what we feel right now. God Bless you all.
To my family:
I want to thank you all for helping Mike and me through this rough time. Mom, Thanks so much for keeping the kids and doing everything you could to help. Dad, Thanks for being there when we needed you. For coming to the nursing home to check Priscillia when I knew things weren't right and for being a sounding board for me when I had questions I couldn't ask anyone else. Daniel, Thanks for braving watching the boys and for being a good listener. Christy, Thanks for being there on one of the toughest days of our lives. Elaine, Thanks for calling to check on me, I know that you live far away and that we have never been very close but it meant the world to me that you called to see how we were. You all are a great family and a great support.
To all of our friends:
Thanks for all of the calls of encouragement, the letters and messages, the food, the flowers and the laughs. Thanks especially to all of you who showed up to lend your support and a shoulder to cry on. It was greatly appreciated and will not be forgotten.

Guilt, How are some exempt?

I have such guilt over things undone. My head knows that I did all that I could but my heart feels that there must have been more. There are always times in our life that we don't have as much time to spend with family as we would like, that is part of life. It is not something that anyone could ever hold against us, as long as we try. When she needed someone, we were there, without question. Yet it seems there should have been more that we could do; what I do not know. So where do the people who did not try ever begin to deal with that? Luckily I can never know myself, I can only wonder and imagine. More than that though, how do you portray to people that you tried when inside you know that you didn't? How do you down the people who did help your mother on her death bed? Why would you turn on the people who nursed her in her last hours? I continue to be amazed at the things that people are capable of, the things that they can convince themselves are reasonable and the things that they will do to get what they want. I hold out hope that at some point they will have to pay for the things that they have done but for now all that I see is that they are just thrilled to "have their lives back". I am convinced that with the way this world works I will be alone on my death bed while they will be surrounded by people that they would never have been there for, if their circumstances were reversed. I must live with myself and only myself though; I do not look forward to rewards in this life but peace that surpasses all understanding and the reward of life everlasting.

Priscillia J. Dickens

Priscilla J. Dickens, 60, of Naoma, passed away Wednesday, April 9, 2008, at Appalachian Regional Hospital in Beckley after a long illness.
She was born Dec. 3, 1947, in Raleigh County, a daughter of the late Aubrey Minnis Vealey and Agnes Dickens.
She was a member of Naoma Freewill Baptist Church.
Besides her parents, she was preceded in death by two sisters, Louise Gunnoe and Lillian Vealey; and a brother, Harless Vealey.
She is survived by her husband of 44 years, Leota Dickens; a daughter, Shannon R. Smerecansky and her husband, Howard, of Naoma; five sons, Aubrey Ray and his wife, Linda, of Beckley, Leota Jr. and his wife, Judy, of Beckley, Wesley Lee and his wife, Misty, of Clear Fork, Mike N. and his wife, Melanie, of Naoma, and Shawn and his wife, Debbie, of Beckley; a brother, Scotty Vealey and his wife, Daisy, of Cleveland, Ohio; 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren.
Service will be 1 p.m. Saturday, April 12, at Armstrong Funeral Home, Whitesville, with the Rev. Larry Kinder officiating. The singers will be The Turner Family. Interment will follow in Vealey Cemetery, Naoma.
Visitation will be two hours before service at the funeral home.Armstrong Funeral Home, Whitesville, is in charge of arrangements.

My heart is entirely broken

My heart is entirely broken. I had no idea that I would miss her this much. I keep thinking of those last few days. I can still feel her hand in mine. She was such a strong woman, in so many ways. She was so loving but fearsome with her protection of her boys. Her love for her husband surpassed anything that I have ever seen; she was undeniably passionate about that man. She was a worrier but a very reasonable person who knew what had to be done. No one is perfect and there were times when I didn't agree with her but she still did what she could for me when I needed it and I did the same for her. There are so many things that I don't understand at this point and time but my respect for her is helping me push all of that aside for the time being. I just want this time to be about her and nothing else. She deserved it and even if others aren't willing to give her that, I am.

Tragedy doesn't change a person

My mother-in-law, Priscillia, is in very bad shape and today I have learned a few very valuable lessons through all of this. First of all my living will is going to become very long and specific. There will be nothing left up for interpretation. I do NOT want to end up being kept alive in order to ease someone else’s guilt or pain. Most of all, though, I have learned that most of the time it doesn’t really matter what you do with your life or how much you do for other people. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do good or that it doesn’t make a difference, it does. In the end though, no one seems to care or remember. There are exceptions, of course, and luckily I am married to one of those but for the most part all that people are concerned about is really themselves. They like to talk a good game and pretend that they care but really they only care about themsleves and how it will affect them. How some people manage to live with themselves will never cease to amaze me. I’ve also learned that if it is allowed there are also great things that can come from tragedy and I hope that this will be the case here. There is forgiveness that needs to be accepted and love that needs to be shown. Hopefully it is not just a temporary reprieve and things can genuinely be changed. There are also things that tragedy just seems to make worse too. You can’t change who people are and when they are not where they should be in their lives and with God these times only seem to make that more evident.

I have edited this post on April 9th, 2008 not because what I had written was untrue but because at this point those things no longer matter. Everyone must deal with their own grief and their own consequences for the things past. There is no need for me to rehash how things happened or why, they happened.

Young Love

I’m looking for some suggestions here. How do you teach your kids to see the truth behind how people act? If you try to tell them you only get the "Oh Mom, you just don’t get it" look or speech. So how do you make them realize? I feel like I have made progress at times and then all of the sudden I realize I haven’t. Why are kids so open to letting other kids manipulate and use them? I suppose it is the need to feel important and wanted.
Audrey has hit that age where the guys are willing to say and do anything to get what they want. The ones that are her age are not all that smooth at it and have yet to figure out what a girl wants to hear. The older ones on the other hand, have it all figured out. How do I teach her this? I just keep hitting a wall. At the moment I have decided to just keep my mouth shut and let her learn for herself. We keep a close reign on her so she can’t get by with too much. I can’t help but think about what all I did get by with on the bus and at school though.
Jo is just completely oblivious to the things that girls are capable of. Of course that remains true for men most of their lives so maybe this is a losing battle. He is so crazy about this one little girl though but he just can’t see through all of the things that the rest of the girls are doing to keep her from him. Girls are so mean to each other some times. I don’t think she sees it either. It’s so easy for me to spot the truth and see the differences but that’s something that comes with experience I suppose. He has a new little girlfriend, not the one he’s crazy about but the one that tried hard to break them up. Hello! Am I the only one that can see that? And the one that he is crazy about and that I would guess is still crazy about him should pay attention to the small things. He hasn’t moved her to the top of his Myspace or changed his name on there. He doesn’t ever talk to her on the phone and they aren’t friends and don’t like each other in general. How do kids miss these things? Why is it not obvious to them? I guess at that age all feelings override any common sense.
I just want my kids to be happy but there is this thing inside of me that just wants to shake them and say "Wake up; things are not what they seem". Young love can be so sweet but getting to that point is tough