Addicted to the Scale

I am finally down again-1.4 lbs. this week. That makes 30 lbs. exactly! I really think that the lack of weight loss was from starting the strength training/weight lifting. Hopefully some of the extra muscle has kicked in and started doing its job of burning calories. It feels great to be getting stronger even if there is a side effect of not losing as much weight. One problem I acquired, thanks to not losing any weight for a while, is an addiction to that dang scale. I really have to work on that because it is becoming an obsession. I think I'm going to put it up and only get it out once a week when I'm going to weigh for the week. We will see though.

Worrying doesn't rid tomorrow of it's problems

I should be asleep right now but at the moment that seems an impossible task. I know I didn’t check in with my weight loss this week but it has been quite hectic. I was down about 1 lb. the middle of the week but that has long since disappeared. I haven’t had the chance to exercise in 4 days but I’m not up above what I have been for the last few weeks so there is still hope. I’m going to digress a little now and probably repeat myself from blogs past but that is just how it is. Don’t read on if you don’t want to rehash my current disdain for certain things. It seems that everything in my life lately has been reminding of the fact that at some point I am going to be old and alone. That people are so often very unappreciative of the things that we have done for them. How people do the things that they do is beyond me, I will never understand how most of the people in this world lay down and sleep at night. I personally want to have as few regrets as possible when the people that I love die. I personally do not want to play games with other people, have to constantly think of new ways to gain attention or worry that the whole world is out to get me. I just want to do my best to live a life that will in some way make my family, friends and most of all God proud when I’m gone. No I haven’t been perfect and I don’t quite have all of the kinks worked out of this human form that I live in but I do try. I don’t go through my day thinking of ways to hurt, annoy or even avoid people. So why do people continue to believe that my daily thoughts and schedules revolve around messing with their heads. I don’t plan things in a way to mess with people; I only do what needs to be done. There are many more things, once again, that I would love to say but for now I will refrain. I have seen things this week that are so sad that I’m not sure I could put it into words and I have regretfully spent time wondering how they are spinning the things that they did to their advantage. No more though, Worrying doesn’t rid tomorrow of its problems. It only rids today of its possibilities.

Life is not all bad. Look into somebody’s eyes.

You’ll see that they’re a person just like you. They also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.

Sometimes our hearts get tangled

Sometimes our hearts get tangled

And our souls a little off-kilter...

Every time I think that I have found a balance, people to trust, a nice little corner of my own in this world, it all falls apart. I try so hard to find the place that I need to be but it never seems attainable. I know that my ultimate place is in Heaven, of that I have no doubt but I see other people that have found there place in This World. Who find that balance and know how to keep it. Who have really close and true friends with whom it is not necessary for them to second guess every word that they say. I have come to accept that there is something that I am doing that pushes people away and I have tried so hard to understand what it is and change it but my best is never quite right. I have made many mistakes in my life and have paid dearly for most of them, paying for others mistakes can become tiresome though. I know that I am in no way perfect or even close but being judged for things that either I have not done or that I have taken false blame for has become unbearable. I just want a little peace and maybe the understanding from some that No I’m not perfect but I would never intentionally harm them.

The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying out to the passers-by to come and love us

Skinny but saggy would not be so great

Late again I know but I was gone for the weekend. I am still about at the same weight again although I know that I am still getting littler. Audrey and I got Easter dresses yesterday and I am down a dress size. I can also get into jeans a size smaller but they are still a little too tight but just a week ago I still couldn't get into that size. I'm thinking maybe the strength training is stalling the actual weight loss but that's okay because my body is getting toned and that muscle will eventually start to burn more fat and I'll be back on the way down. Healthy and toned is what matters, I don't want to lose the weight and be saggy everywhere!! Now do I!!!! I can do my 30 minutes on the elliptical at resistance level 3 now so that is great. Ball season is starting and it's time for things to get hectic but I'm not going to let that slow me down.

William Connie Cook

William Connie Cook
MOUNT HOPE — William Connie Cook, 76, went to be with the Lord on Sunday, March 9, 2008, after a long illness.Born at Munition on Sept. 9, 1931, he was the son of the late William Mansfield Cook and Lura L. Vealey Cook.Mr. Cook was a four-year veteran of the U.S. Air Force, having served during the Korean War. He was a graduate of Marsh Fork High School and West Virginia Institute of Technology where he received a B.S. degree in business education.He was the former secretary of the Mount Hope Kiwanis Club and former treasurer of Cast Inc. of Beckley. He was a retired employee of the West Virginia Department of Health and Human Resources.Mr. Cook was preceded in death by a brother, James Hubert Cook.He is survived by three sisters, Mrs. Jean Gunnoe of Illinois, Mrs. Shirley Morrison and husband, Dempsey, of Ripley and Mrs. Orpha Kostas and husband, John, of San Diego, Calif.; and several nephews and nieces.Service will be 1 p.m. Thursday at Armstrong Funeral Home, Whitesville, with the Rev. David Cook officiating. Burial will follow in Vealey Cemetery, Pine Knob.Friends may call one hour before service Thursday at the funeral home.Military graveside rites will be conducted by VFW Post No. 4326 of Midway.

The death of someone we know always reminds us that we're still alive.

There have been so many things in the last week that have given me a reason to stop and think about life that I am just utterly tired of thinking. Life is so fragile and unpredictable that it is, at times, exhausting. Many things in life are anticipated yet there are still so many surprises. We expect heartache, illness and death but we don't expect Alzheimer's or to lose our spouse at a young age. We know that these things can happen but no matter how realistic you're being no one honestly believes it will ever happen to them.
To see someone who did everything for their family and worked so hard at life fall apart before you is truly an eye-opening event. It makes me want to do everything that I can to keep my mind sharp and young. It also makes me worry about what will happen to me if I am ever in that position. So I have decided that I want to die young….as late as possible.
To see someone who is just starting to build a life with someone lose that person is a tragedy. To watch them push through that loss and come out stronger is delightful and inspiring.
To lose someone in your family that you weren't close to but could have or should have been makes you search your soul to see just how short you are falling. We all live such hectic lives and tend to walk around so unaware of each other that it is hard to see what is needed.
As I mentioned I have done a little too much thinking this week. I think we all need that at times though. The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive - perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.

Weird week

Sorry I'm late checking in, it has been a rough week though, in so many ways. I'm not really down any this week but I am just lucky that I'm not up!! After I gave blood last Saturday I decided to weigh Sunday morning, thinking hey I lost a pint of blood maybe I'll be down, boy was that a joke. I was up 5 lbs. I didn't panic because I knew I didn't gain 5 lbs. in one day but it took me all week to get that to disappear and come out to where I was even on the scale. I don't know what it was, I'm wondering if my body was reacting to the blood loss? I can still tell quite a difference in my body this week though so maybe it will show up next week on the scale. My arms are really starting to make a huge change. I have discovered that I also love strenth training. It hurts like heck at times but it feels so good later. I guess my next purchase will have to be some kind of weight bench or machine. I think I'm going to have to build me a gym

One Heck of a day

Today was one of those days that just breaks your heart. I'm honestly not sure if I can make it through writing this right now but I feel that I need to. Things have been piling up in my life lately and today was my breaking point. There are so many things that I could tell you about but that I won't, so many things that could be said that I will keep to myself and so many heartaches that no one will ever know. I feel like such a failure, in so many ways. The things I will mention may not seem like much but when coupled with all the things that I won't mention it is just too much. Joseph got suspended again for fighting, got his heart broken and one of his turtles died not to mention that we still don't know if we can possibly get him out of the 5th and into the 6th grade. I got my heart broken and got reminded of how alone I truly am (No I'm not talking about anything to do with Mike so don't jump to conclusions). I realized once again that it is pretty much impossible for me to meet all of my kids wants and needs at the same time. Mike's family is going through some huge things right now that are weighing heavy on both of our hearts and that added some extra discomfort to my day. And as I said this is just the tip of the iceberg. Right now all I can do is pray and believe that things will be better tomorrow. I am just so tired and that is the only way I can find to describe it, not just a normal tired though, I am completely and totally tired.

How much or why? Which matters most?

If you're here very often then you know that I have been trying to read the Bible through in a year. I have been doing pretty good (not so good with keeping up with the ticker on my page though) but I think it's time to give up on that. I'm still going to work on reading my Bible all the way through I'm just not going to try to do it in a year. For the last two Sundays our Sunday school teacher has mentioned something in class and it is really lying heavy on my heart. He has made this example and it has really hit home; If two people give the same amount of an offering to the church and one is doing it out of duty and one because he loves God, who is going to get the most out of that offering? So if someone is reading 3 chapters out of the Bible a day out of duty and another getting in 5 versus a day but reading out of love for God, who will get the most out of reading? The first Sunday he said it I thought Okay but I am doing this out of love for God but then when he said it again the next Sunday I decided maybe I should think a little harder on it. I have come to this conclusion, Yes I am doing it out of love but if I am reading a set amount a day then I am not really listening to what God has for me. I am just getting done what I need to get done for that day and moving on. So no more set guidelines. I'm still working towards reading all the way through but at my own pace and if I want to skip over and read from somewhere else at times I will. I'm going to try to figure out how to keep some kind of a log for myself and that way I will know when I accomplish it. I think this is a good thing for all of us to do sometimes though. Just stop and think "Am I really doing this (whatever it is) for the right reason?" The why is definitely what matters most.

Two major successes

I have had two major successes (at least in my mind) over the last few days and just wanted to share. I got the results from my blood work today and it was even better than I expected. When I had it done back in November my triglycerides were in the High range at 482, this time they were at 92 which is way below what is needed to be normal. I am just so thrilled. Also I have tried a few times in the last year to give blood and haven't been able too. I have small deep veins anyway and they said because of my weight and the amount of pop I was drinking it just made it too hard. Saturday I got to give blood for the first time. It took them a little time to find a vein that was good enough but they did get one. I was just so excited. I know neither one of these things are that big of a deal to a lot of people but they meant the world to me.

Comfort above all else?

It's remarkable sometimes the things that people find comfort in. Maybe it's not so much comfort as familiarity but it is still noteworthy. We like for things to stay the same and even a change for the better can be fought off by the need to remain stable and constant. When I started this journey to get healthy I was amazed at how supportive Mike was, he had never been supportive before. Apparently it was coming from the fact that I was so sick because he is over it. He has returned to telling me that I don't need to lose weight and threatening to bring home foods that I love but shouldn't eat. He says I have lost enough, that I'm getting too skinny and its time to slow it down. I love that he finds me beautiful no matter what but we both know that I am still not anywhere near a healthy weight. I would love to just chalk it up to jealousy and move on. It would be easy because I have heard all of the classic lines like "I think you look great and that should be all that matters, who else are you worried about?" I can't blame it on that though because it's not just him. The kids have also joined in, especially Audrey. She gets really upset when I pass on something that is very unhealthy but that she knows I would love to eat. In some way they find comfort in the way things use to be and don't want to deal with things changing. They want me to go back to being lazy and living with a Coke in my hand. Where does this come from though? Are they afraid if one thing changes then everything will? I've never had trouble dealing with change and maybe that is why I don't understand this mindset but it truly confuses me. The kids will get over it this summer when they can do more because I can actually keep up with them, I'm not sure Mike will adjust though.